Excerpt From Something I'm Writing, I'd Love Some Opinions?

You do a good job with description but sometimes it's a little much. Like, "my mouth was about to fall open in a rant" is too much. I would just say "my mouth was about to open to ask him what the hell he was doing there" Too many descriptive words, to me, makes the writing sound flowery and overdone. Same thing with the makeout/ scene (unless this is a romance novel, please say it isn't), I would cut out a little bit of the description leading up to when she bites him. I like the "world dissolving" and the "snake in the jungle lines" a lot, that part is great. But it doesn't seem like it would come as a surprise to a vampire that she would lust for his blood as well as his body, I mean, she IS a vampire. Also the rippled gorgeous abs was a little annoying, you could just say something about how attracted she is to his body without mentioning abs....it just seems cliche. Good job, though, I know I was critical but just to be specific. It's pretty good writing, and like I said, you're good with description.